Defining Myself

Lately, I’ve been thinking about what defines us as individuals, what our God given talents are, and this made me wonder who I am, and how others perceive me. Then I realized it doesn’t really matter how others perceive me, what is more important is what I think of myself.

My self-definition could be many unlimited things because I am completely different from anyone else. It’s all in our own diversity. Physically I may appear to look like others, but inside I am not the same.

Am I defined by being a 49-year old white American woman? Does being a happily married woman, a born again Christian, a daughter, a mother, a grandmother, a sister and a friend define me? I don’t believe material possessions have anything to do with who I am. I am not defined by a title from an employer or by initials behind my name from my education, or from my passion for reading or my DNA.

Do my dreams and aspirations play a role in the person I will become?

I am defined by being true to myself – a child of God.

I feel that my roots, my life experiences, religious beliefs, decisions and mistakes I’ve made have each enhance the woman I am today. Every day I face new choices, challenges, and this in turn keeps me constantly changing. I am thankful I am not the same person I was a few ago, and I am sure I will not be the same person in the months and years to come.

I think my self-definition has more to do with my personal beliefs, the way I treat people, and how I’m treated, and my reactions to others. I hope I never stop this constant journey of exploring the woman I am, while learning, and growing to becoming a strong confident individual and be all that I know I can be.

I think it’s important what I choose to believe about myself, my character, and what Christ wants me to achieve in life.

But in the end, all that really matters is what God thinks of Debi.

He is Risen

I know that Christ is alive because He lives deep within my heart.

Happy Easter to you and yours.

A Family Emergency

Three days ago, my sweet, elderly mother-in-love has suddenly experienced an intracerebral hemorrhage, or a "bleeding stroke." This was caused by a burst blood vessel in the brain. Mom is almost 86 years old, and needs all the prayers she can get right now.

The doctors recommended that she be transferred from our local community hospital to a specialty hospital in Philadelphia for surgery to remove the pressure off of the brain. However she declined it. She doesn’t want to endure this procedure, even though her prognosis is very poor. There is a 50% chance the bleeding will continue. We were told the surgery would not prolong her life.

Mom is extremely confused, with slurred speech, and her right side is very weak to the point of almost being immobile, her blood pressure is through the roof it is so high. It breaks our hearts seeing her lie helpless as she is.

Today she has been transferred to a stroke rehabilitation hospital. By working with speech, occupational, and physical therapist we’re hoping this will help her learn to talk again and hopefully regain some muscle strength in her right arm and leg.

Please lift our family up in your prayers and good thoughts at this time.

We are indeed facing some strong winds in our lives these days.

When the Wind Blows Through Your Life

My husband often says “I will sleep well on a windy night” and until the underling meaning to the phrase was explained to me, I did not understand it completely. I do now.

Can you sleep when the wind blows?

Years ago, a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast. He constantly advertised for hired hands. Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic. They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic, wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops. As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received a steady stream of refusals

Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. “Are you a good farm hand?” the farmer asked him.”Well, I can sleep when the wind blows,” answered the little man.

Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, hired him. The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man’s work.

Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore. Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand’s sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled, “Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they blow away!”

The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly, “No sir. I told you, I can sleep when the wind blows.”

Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm. To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, and the doors were barred. The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down.

Nothing could blow away. The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while the wind blew.

When you’re prepared, spiritually, mentally, and physically, you have nothing to fear. Can you sleep when the wind blows through your life?

The hired hand in the story was able to sleep because he had secured the farm against the storm. We secure ourselves against the storms of life by making the necessary preparations and hanging on to our faith in our God. We don’t need to understand, we just need to trust and to have peace in the middle of storms.

-author unknown-

I hope you enjoy your day and you sleep well tonight, I know that along with Eric I will sleep well also, even as the strong winds are blowing in our lives right now.

Judging Others

Are you judgmental when you see someone who looks different than you? I am ashamed to admit that I have been guilty of this in the past.

Recently, while sitting in the doctor’s office waiting room, two nice looking and well-dressed men carrying briefcases walked in and sat in the two empty seats to my left. I automatically assumed they were pharmaceutical reps from their conversation I overheard about selling medications.

A few minutes later a young man with numerous tattoos and piercings walked in. My immediate thought was ‘oh please do not sit next to me, you look freaky’. I can’t even rationally explain why I didn’t want him to sit there. What did he do? He sat next to me on my right.

My mind was racing and I was unkindly comparing him to the other men sitting there, soon I was classifying him in a negative judgmental way.

I could barely continue reading because I was so mentally distracted by his unique physical appearance. I secretly wanted to stare at him from behind my magazine. But I refrained.

This guy had so many piercings and tattoos all over his face, and on the front and back of his neck and arms. In my opinion he looked gross. It made me appalled that someone would do this to their body. Almost everyone in the waiting room was staring at him in disbelief. Some were actually whispering loudly about him.

Another lady sitting nearby boldly spoke up and asked him just how many piercings he had and he answered saying, “118 above my shoulders.”

There wasn’t a spot on his skin that I could see that wasn’t tattooed or pierced. This isn’t his photo above; however the man looked almost exactly like this person other than the hair.

While reading my magazine the front door opened again and a fragile older lady was trying to push her elderly husband through the doorway in a wheelchair and was having difficulty. Immediately I got up to help by holding the door open, right away the pierced guy jumped up, and assisted the couple in getting the wheelchair inside. The lady had accidentally dropped her purse, and the young man bent down and picked it up and the contents that had spilled out, then he helped position the wheelchair beside his wife’s chair. Making sure they were comfortable.

This happened while the two other nice-looking men in business suites remained in their seats talking, and continued to watch without moving.

The elderly lady thanked us both for helping them. Soon they had struck up a conversation with the man who helped them, and they were laughing together.

Once again I felt disgusted and saddened…this time it was with the two men who blatantly were inattentive and showed no respect for the elderly couple needing help, just to avoid being near the pierced guy.

Suddenly, I saw these two men in a different light, they were no longer nice looking but rather as selfish individuals. And I saw the pierced man completely differently. I was wrong, and had judged him unjustly. He had shown he was a thoughtful, caring person regardless of what he looked like.

This got me to thinking about how we sometimes are quick to jump to conclusions about people and judge them about their outward appearances, based on what we can physically see.

While I can say I know that I will never be a fan of multiple tattoos and face piercings, I can say with certainty I am going to try my best to be less judgmental of a person’s looks in the future. Yes I was guilty of judging the nice looking guys also.

Everyone is God's creation, someone’s child, parent, partner, and loved one and I need to remember this and accept them for who they are even if I don't approve of their actions. I am far from perfect, and have been judged because I am a plus size, yet I want others to accept me even though I may look different than them.

This taught me something about myself. I hope I will always remember that appearances can be deceiving. It’s what is on the inside that matters the most.

(I do not have permission from this person in the picture to use his photo, and I truly hope he doesn’t mind as it has been passed around the Internet for a few years.)

Be Careful What You Pray For

A few days ago, an incident happened that I don’t believe was a twist of fate. Some may not think anything of it, but it meant something to me.

I was at a local bookstore looking for inspirational inscribed pocket coins, tokens, or stones to purchase for myself and for my husband.

I found a large basket filled with small pewter tokens that were exactly what I had in mind. As I was looking through them, I noticed there were probably 40 or 50 different sayings or quotes on the coins, such as “With God All Things Are Possible”, Guardian Angel, Courage, Believe, Faith, etc… I prayed that the perfect words would jump out at me and I would know instantly which ones to buy.

With great difficulty, I was rifling through the basket, while trying not to drop my other purchases I was holding under both arms. I was getting discouraged because I had stood there searching through them for a quite a long time and could not find the exact words on the coins that spoke to my heart. I just knew that I wanted to find something extra special for us that seemed fitting, and nothing was making an impression on me.

I had almost given up, and decided not to purchase any of them when I accidentally knocked the basket over, quickly catching all but two coins that fell onto the floor and rolled under the table.

I whispered a silent prayer of thanks that not all 500 of them scattered across the floor, and I jokingly thought, Okay Lord, I didn’t mean for them to literally jump out at me but whatever those two are on the floor I’m taking these for us.

Image my surprise when I turned the two coins over…What are the chances they were identical, and were exactly the words I needed from Him? A coincidence, I think not.

Moral of the story, be careful what you pray for, you just might get it as miracles happen, and that's what I am counting on.

The Beginning of Our Journey

Over the past five weeks my husband, Eric and I have seen several very dark days since learning the devastating news of his illness. We debated whether or not we wanted to share our innermost thoughts, and after discussing it, we have encouraged each other to open ourselves up. We both tend to be private about our personal feelings and sometimes feel uncomfortable speaking outside of our comfort zone. However we feel the time is right to share this with our family and friends.

The love of my life, Eric has been diagnosed with Stage 4 Advanced Cirrhosis, End-stage Liver Disease on January 26, 2009.

I hope you will take the time to read his latest blog entry over at http://onshiftingsands.blogspot.com/ support him in this. I greatly admire his courageous spirit and unfailing humor.

To say it has been an emotional rollercoaster dealing with these feelings is a gross understatement. There aren’t adequate words to express the depths of our worst fears and the emotional upheavals that we’ve recently experienced. When the one you deeply love is suffering, you also feel the agonizing pain they are going through yourself.


He was hospitalized in the Intensive Care Unit listed in critical condition, and we were told by four specialists the extent of his disease, and the dismal prognosis that he would need to have a liver transplant immediately in order to survive. We were stunned this was happening now after he had been sober for several months. I knew immediately our happy lives as we knew it no longer existed. We were stepping off into unknown territories.

I held his hand that night in the ICU and assured him that we would get through this illness together, and I reminded him of our solemn promises we spoke at our wedding ceremony of ‘in sickness and in health for better or for worse ‘17 months ago, we made sacred vows not only to each other but to God as well, and we intend to honor this commitment regardless of the situation.

Later that night after I left the hospital, I came home and immediately fell to my knees beside our bed praying for my critically sick husband asking for God’s mercy, and a miraculous healing for him if it be His will. My faith was the only thing that was sustaining me as I poured my broken heart out to God. Although my mind was not able to form the words to speak I knew that those shed tears were an unspoken language that only He could understand and I know He heard my prayers.

As I lay on the carpet, it was as if I felt the Lord comforting me and saying that I could lay my head on his chest and to release all of my burdens, and tears to Him. I sobbed for hours as I was so deeply distraught as this horrible sickness wasn't in my plans for our lives.

I opened my Bible to seek guidance and immediately felt led to read Jeremiah 29:11-14

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. 14 I will be found by you,” says the Lord.

It was no coincidence I turned to that page and read those scriptures. Those few verses spoke directly to my heart, and I felt comforted by them. It was exactly what I needed to read. I kept repeating them over in my head, and I realized that God wasn’t going to fail us. He had just given me more hope. This disease was no surprise to Him. He knew the plans for our lives long before we were even born and He would see us through this. I held on to His written promises right then, and I do even more so today.

It has been heartbreaking to see the other half of my heart become so physically ill, and knowing that I am helpless and powerless over his illness. I realize the most important thing I can do is continue to love and support Eric and pray for him.

We have had good days with shared laughter and bad days filled with lots of tears lately as its obvious his illness is rapidly progressing. Eric is now no longer allowed to drive as his physician has revoked his driving privileges due to some serious complications associated with the disease.

Yesterday his Hepatologist explained that he is now classified with a Child-Pugh score C, which is very disheartening to be told. This is weighing heavily on our minds; our prayers are that he can receive a liver transplant in time. You can read more about this score on the Internet.

I ask that you will please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Writing this entry has been very difficult, and we felt that we owed it to our family and friends to let you know the truth. We don't know what tomorrow holds for us, but we know that we have to lean on a Power that is greater than ourselves, and through our faith, love and support that surrounds us we can get through these terribly difficult times together.

No matter what the outcome we know we have a never ending love story and God has a plan for us and we trust Him.